Branch 1: Revisions

 Please leave a brief comment response to one the following if you have the time (thank you):
-capitalization
-punctuation
-title
-numbered sections
-pronouns
-ending stanza and stanza three

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Branch 1: Revision #1 of Frog Song
Original Draft

Frog Song
    I
Brothel madam setting up well-breasted gosling-girls
to fall into an oversexed beauty;
that runs hasty down mascara faces,
puddles in elbow pits, pools in knee crooks,
and lilts
                between toes staining the courtyard
before tinkling down street gutters;
where glazed, glowering, tourists
are offended at the smell of a broken dream.

    II
Quilting a curtain of Nat Sherman
privacy,

We find pockets in Louisiana storm clouds.
We rummage for loose change, loose marbles.

We take the beautiful ordinary, that we are,
and place
each for each
one for one
                      and the other
into those sky pockets;
honoring God, Zeus, The Spirit of New Orleans,
and our Lady of Guadalupe.

    III
Our coffee sings between our lips
between intermissions of cigarettes
and serenading pond frogs.

Frogs in the bottom of a well in dance.
Wet amphibious dreaming of sky and smoke.
Polliwogs waterlogged on well-liquor and smoke.
An egg underwater, a formless mass.

Even the insects hum a plump tune
as they boogaloo from vein
to sweet nectared vein.

    IV
We talk and don’t talk
until the shadows of the shadows
of the crowds have dispersed.
And the silent blue law lights
cause buildings to blink,
seem tired, and fall asleep.

    V
An evolution as slow as love.



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Revision 1 Notes: Frog Song  ? Pockets ?

Frog Song ? Pockets
    I
Brothel madam setting up well-breasted gosling-girls
to fall into an oversexed beauty;
runs (hands?) hasty (hands ?) down mascara faces,
puddles in elbow pits,

pools in knee crooks,

and lilts.

between toes 

Toes staining the courtyard bricks and

before tinkling down street gutters,

where glazed  glowering, travelers  

are offended at the smell of a broken. dream.

    II
Quilting a curtain of Nat Sherman
privacy,

We They find pockets in Louisiana's storm clouds
We rummaging for loose change, loose marbles.

We Take the beautiful ordinary  that we they are,
and place (them ?)
each for each
one for one
                      and the other
into those sky pockets;
honoring God, Zeus, The Spirit of New Orleans,
and our Lady of Guadalupe.

    III
Our Coffee sings between our their lips
between intermissions of cigarettes
and serenading pond frogs.

Frogs in the bottom of a well in dance.
Wet amphibious dreaming of sky and smoke.
Polliwogs waterlogged on well-liquor and smoke.
An egg underwater, a formless mass.

Even the insects hum a plump tune
as they boogaloo from vein
to sweet nectared veins.

    IV
We  They talk and don’t talk.
until the shadows of the shadows
of the crowds have dispersed.
and the silent blue law lights

cause buildings to blink,
seem tired, and fall asleep.
    V
An evolution as slow as love.


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Post Notes Revision:

Frog Song
    I
Brothel madam setting up well-breasted gosling-girls
to fall into an oversexed beauty;
runs hasty down mascaraed faces,
puddles in elbow pits,

pools in knee crooks,

and lilts.

Toes staining courtyard bricks and

tinkling down street gutters

where glazed  glowering travelers  

smell of broken.

    II
They find pockets in Louisiana's storm clouds
rummaging for loose change, loose marbles.
Taking the beautiful ordinary  that they are and
place themselves into those sky pockets.

    III

Whiskey, wings between their lips

between intermissions of cigarettes

and serenading pond frogs.

Frogs in the bottom of a well in dance.
Wet, amphibious, dreaming of sky and smoke.
Polliwogs waterlogged on well-liquor and smoke.
An egg underwater, a formless mass.

Even the insects hum a plum tune
as they boogaloo from
sweet nectared veins.

    IV
They talk and don’t talk.
shadows of the shadows
of the crowds and
the silent blue law lights