Capacity: (noun)
1) The ability to receive or contain
2) The maximum amount that can be received or contained
3) Power of receiving impressions, knowledge, or mental ability
4) actual ability to perform, yield, or withstand
Example dictionary.com
He has the capacity for hard work.
Do you often find yourself pushed past your capacity for certain endeavors or engagements? It has certainly been a year for extension of capacity and last night was no different. The list of internal capacity impact forces are as follows:
1. unemployment concerns
2. financial concerns
3. status concerns
4. introversion/avoidance concerns
5. missing my mother's birthday concern
6. self-definition concerns specifically connected to contemporary vs traditional gender norms
7. school year impact concerns of the last three years of my commitment to education in this city
8. fitness/appearance concerns
9. relationship concerns specifically to adapting to living together and creating sustainable systems
10. social concerns
11. personal passion concerns specifically with poetry and writing
Now depending on the engagement, anywhere from one to all concerns may become active. For example, going running may only initiate numbers 1 and 3. In comparison, a check-in night may engage half or more. Depending on other factors, the higher the intake volume of engaged concerns the higher the likelihood of raised anxiety and a break in containment. Last night I was invited to a happy hour for my girlfriend's school's completion of first week pd. Needless to say that the containment walls which hold for successful social interactions were breached and the reboot process of solitude, darkness, technology, scifi/fantasy media with a female warrior character archetype required the rest of my evening's attention.
Not what if any of this, aside from a personal reboot, is cause for any real ire? Well, you see, it was the fact that I did have a plan. And given those who are binary in "nature", they do not enjoy unexpected changes. What was the plan? The plan was:
1) happy hour
2) Amanda's "Awesome People Party"
3) Erin's Birthday Party
Well happy hour provoked all from the first list except 8 and 11. And at least as far as social capacity is for me, that was far to near a breaking point and numbers 2 and 3 from my second list where therefore off the table. Now why was this happy hour such an intense experience for me? Aren't happy hours supposed to be calming and relaxing in nature? Yes, yes they are. As many of us know, our personal worlds are a bit more complex. I will not pour excessively into unnecessary details, but will focus a bit on some personal history and my challenges with social networking.
The school she will now be working at for a second year was, in fact, the first school I worked for in this city. Upon my first arriving into this city and exploring the education within, parts of me were shocked. There have been some charter organizations who have been rigorously working both scholars and staff to change this, and this is one. But as with any business entity, which is now what a lot of successful education has become, there are struggles and disagreements. While I was working at this school, I experienced a major accident that had me in the hospital and out of work for a time. This caused some complications as well as personal struggles with school leaders. The shift from traditional public school systems to contemporary charters is a large struggle for both teachers and especially leaders. Staff culture, expectations, commitments, promises, and communication are all quite necessary and quite difficult to systematize for large groups of people. ---I am becoming distracted and off topic and therefore will move on.
The happy hour was a struggle for the following reasons of which you can compare to the above lists:
1) everyone there is, obviously, employed
2) fairly financially stable at the moment due to that fact
3) feeling excited and hopeful due to known future
4) the school leader and I had struggled with appointments in the past
5) my girlfriend invited a male friend of hers of which whom I have a discomfort with
<as far as #5 goes, the dude seems to me a nice maybe even great guy. he also happens to hold a few defining characteristics that create necessary struggles to keep a relationship sustainable. and necessary struggles are, well, struggling. healthy jealousy, musician, owns a boat and house...etc/you get the deal. but, like i said, nice maybe even good guy.>
As you can assume where this is going, while the evening went on my capacity went down until I absolutely needed to leave. This then turned into grabbing food with the four of us, having a tequila enriched discussion of me trying to understand in black and white binary the conversations of the other three wonderfully grey individuals at my table. This then lead to some medium confusions between my love and I. And though they were ironed out, it left the end of the evening with me going home and the other three beautiful greys going to the two parties I had wanted to go to.
Just to be clear, my girlfriend is amazing, loving, concerned, and very very kind. She knew the happy hour would be a challenge for me, asked how she could help, sort of asked if it was ok if the dude came/or allowing me to stay home. She has a lot to think about right now with guests and school etc.
This post is a cathartic release, an outreach on the writing about clear (and unclear pieces), and a need to continually practice and push the #11 of the first list. Please share your thoughts and I will leave a lovely happy video as a warming ending note.
